I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
