I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
