Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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