what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Randomize
