Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
