My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
