i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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