god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
