dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
