You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
