you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
