Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
