After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
