enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just gift wrapped bread.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
