Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just threw up on my dentist
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
