The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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