I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
