So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
