when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
