sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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