they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
