Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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