so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
