I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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