Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
