just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
