i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
