I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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