I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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