hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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