Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
