all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We had sex on a dog bed..
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
