3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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