you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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