How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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