that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
