My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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