I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
