True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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