I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
