Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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