If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
