Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
