he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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