i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
