the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
