I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I feel like death gave me a hand job
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
