Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
