dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
