it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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