just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
